Wednesday, July 26, 2017

TRUMP DEMANDS THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSIONS UNDERGO A MANDATORY SPERM COUNT

SESSIONS COULDN'T BELIEVE HIS EARS WHEN THE VICE PRESIDENT CAME UP BEHIND HIM AND WHISPERED TRUMP'S LATEST VOLLEY IN AN ATTEMPT TO FORCE SESSIONS TO RESIGN.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Sessions gets the word in front of an Obama Presidential portrait
Attorney General Jeff Sessions was meditating in the Obama Room when Vice President Pence came in through the back door of the quiet area, Sessions has made for himself next to his office.
"Jeff," Pence whispered loudly. "The Chief wants to test your sperm count to see if you're man enough to do your job."
Sessions, bit his lip and frowned, then replied, "Oh oh."
According to sources inside the White House, Trump wants to show Sessions who is in charge and get him to resign. 
Sources also are saying Mike Pence has undergone four sperm counts in the last three weeks.  "It's not all that bad," he told Sessions.  "If you pass, you can join me in becoming a sperm doner and get in on the free Viagra!"

Monday, July 24, 2017

PICTURE SURFACES SHOWING TRUMP'S FIRST MEETING WITH SCARAMUCCI

TRUMP WASTED NO TIME APPOINTING HIS NEW COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, ONCE HE REALIZED HE AND SCARAMUCCI WERE ONCE GOOD "BUDDIES"......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Scaramucci, 2nd from left, was first introduced to Trump, (r) at a funeral in 1998
A photo of Trump, during his first meeting with his newly appointed communications director, surfaced early this morning, much to the surprise of the President. He began reminising out loud to Dave Taylor, as the two met privately.

"We were both running with a fast and different crowd back then." Trump said. "Soprano introduced us and it turned out that Scaramucci really liked me! Of course, I went on to create a new group called the 'In Crowd' and as you know, went on to become the modern day President, can you believe it?!  Hillary never had a chance!
I think Tony Soprano went on to have his own TV show, but it never got the ratings, the Celebrity Apprentice got and didn't last too long."

Sources say there were more pictures taken at this funeral, but they have been confiscated by the Bambinni family out of respect for Lou Bambinni, who lay in the closed coffin.
OFF THE WALL news will continue to search for more photos.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

CAUGHT IN ANOTHER PRIVATE MEETING, TRUMP JR. SAYS THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS

DONALD TRUMP JR ORIGINALLY SAID HE ONLY ATTENDED ONE PRIVATE MEETING WITH A RUSSIAN LAWYER, NOW SOURCES MAY HAVE FOUND EVIDENCE OF A SECOND PRIVATE MEETING WITH A RUSSIAN BARTENDER.....

NEW YORK, NY.

Don Jr. and Jocko Noblik discuss Moscow Mules
Someone leaked a photo of a bare chested Donald Trump Jr. embracing Jocko Noblik, a former KGB officer who now resides in New York as a bartender and the media is eating it up. 
Trump Jr. denied the meeting until he was presented with a picture of the two of them arm in arm. "I didn't think that looked like me." he said before continuing. "But then I remembered meeting Mr. Noblik in a hotel bar. I asked him to show me how to make a Moscow Mule and he said the receipe was in his room.  I stopped up to see him after his shift and we became good friends."
Asked about the absence of his shirt in the photo, he told journalist that the two were comparing his scars to Knoblik's tattoos.
Noblik came to New York last year after loosing his job with the FSB, the  state security organisation  that replaced the KGB. Although he publicly maintains his bar tending story, embedded OFF THE WALL news reporter, Jon Smith (Not his real name.) reports he spends weeks at a time in Russia, helping Vladimir Putin groom his horse.  Sources believe Noblik is the link between Putin and Don Jr., but this has not been proven.  
In Trump's defence, he was seen in Koblik's hotel elevator holding a copper mug, garnished with lime.  Time will tell what the real truth is.





Tuesday, July 11, 2017

G20 SUMMIT PICTURE LEAKED TO THE PRESS INFURIATES TRUMP

G20 group picture
TRUMP SURPRISED HIS COUNTERPARTS AS THEY GATHERED ON THE LAST DAY OF THE G20 SUMMIT  FOR A GROUP SOLIDARITY PICTURE...........

HAMBURG, GERMANY

President Trump waited until his counterparts were all assembled for the group photo before bounding into the room and the center of the group.  "The Force is with me!" be blurted out.
Sources told OFF THE WALL news, the world leaders had agreed to wear the white storm trooper costumes to show the world their solidarity and when Trump came in dressed as Darth Vader, there was hissing and cat calls aplenty.  Trump said he was under the assumption that the picture would remain private and when told it had been leaked, turned bright red.
After the picture was taken, Trump produced a toy light sabre and challenged North Korea's Kim Jong Un to a duel. A few minutes later Mrs. Trump came into the room and told her husband, Kim Jong Un was not part of the G20 and it was time to leave, causing him to stomp out of the room.  We can only imagine what the flight home was like.

                                          

Thursday, July 6, 2017

MINNESOTA CITY ASKS COURT TO STOP TRUMP TOWER CONSTRUCTION ON LAKE FRONT PROPERTY

THE CITY HAS FILED A MOTION IN DISTRICT COURT TO PROHIBIT THE TRUMPS FROM ERECTING A TWENTY STORY TOWER ON THE CITY'S LAKEFRONT WHICH WOULD BLOCK THE VIEW OF THE LAKE AND BE THE TALLEST BUILDING IN 500 MILES......


UPTHERIVER, MN.

News leaked last month that the Trump organization, headed by Trump's sons, wanted to erect an new building in the North Minnesota city of Uptheriver that would completely block the view of the city's lake, Lake Serene.  Residents quickly formed a coalition against the planned building and sent a letter to the Sixth District Court of Northern Minnesota.

Don Jr. and Eric Trump came dressed for the job.
 This news was met with a  nasty tweet from the POTUS. "Why are you against a Trump Tower in your stinking little town? Sad! My sons will prevail."
"I promised my sons they could build the tallest building in North Min."
Trump then threatened to sign an executive order to drain Lake Seren for environmental reasons unless the city relented from their "unfair demands".

Don Jr. and Eric Trump first visited Uptheriver, (Pronounced Up-the-riv-er) in April and approached the City Council with their plan to erect a Trump Tower on the bank of Lake Serene. Thinking they would look like Minnesotans, the two were dressed in white shirts and bib overalls.  City officials worried that their planned building would block the complete lakefront from view, causing a loss of boaters and tourists. City Attorney Pat Magroin argued the building's height would also be detrimental to flying geese.
Informants told  OFF THE WALL news the reason behind Trumps wanting the building is to have their own resort to use when snipe hunting.

Monday, July 3, 2017

SAYING HE IS NOT FAT, TRUMP IS WEARING RUBBER UNDERWEAR TO LOSE WEIGHT

LIKING THE WAY IT FEELS NEXT TO HIS SKIN, HE PLANS TO WEAR IT AROUND THE CLOCK.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Fighting critics who say he is looking fatter by the day, Trump is undergoing a new stratagy he says is more about style than stubstance.  "I look good in it, you know that and I know that. I can put on a pair of pants and suit coat over it and no one's the wiser, except me and I'm pretty wise."

"It's a little tight in the gut, but it looks good on me."
Trump has fired three taylors in the past six months, claiming they were making his clothes fit too tight.  "They were incompetent and had to be fired," he said as he downed his second double cheeseburger during lunch.

Trump got the idea for wearing rubber underwear to lose weight, from a story in the National Enquirer about fat ladies in the circus who wore rubber panties to contain their "huge derrieres ".

Around the White House, staff and subordinates complement the President as he models his fatwear.  "He wants to lose weight, but not to be called a loser." One staffer told embedded OFF THE WALL news reporter Dick Tickler. "But it's too late for that."




Sunday, July 2, 2017

HILLARY GETTING READY FOR 2020,SAYS SHE'S IN THE BEST SHAPE TO WIN

AFTER LOSING HER LAST BID FOR THE WHITE HOUSE IN THE ELECTORIAL COLLEGE, BUT WINNING THE POPULAR VOTE, HILLARY IS TRYING A DIFFERENT APPROACH IN 2020......SHE'S AT THE GYM EVERY DAY....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

"A Vote for Me, Will Set You Free!"
Hillary Clinton had jaws dropping Saturday when she revealed her revamped body and her new Vote For HRC 2020 poster.  Even spouse and former President Bill Clinton was excited and couldn't keep from grinning.  "This is a new Hillary." Bill said.  "I don't know if its her hairdo or what, but there is something about her that can get you going!"

Hillary told OFF THE WALL news she's looking forward to running again and this time she can't wait to see what name Trump will come up for her.  "I think he'll find I'm not as stupid as he tried to make me out as."
When Trump saw the poster, he stammered, "They're fake, everybody knows that! I've been up close and personal, her whole body is fake!"  Privately he told Mitch McConnell, he hadn't been this nervous since he was caugh sneaking into Ivanka's bedroom.

Hillary will start campaigning at college campuses early next year. Time will tell how this all comes out.