Saturday, September 30, 2017

HUGH HEPNER MAY HAVE INADVERTENTLY COMMITED A RARE FORM OF SUICIDE

PLAYBOY MAGNET AND FOUNDER,  DIED FROM WHAT A DOCTOR CALLED R.E.S. OR RECREATIONAL ERECTION SUICIDE.......

HOLLYWOOD, CA.


  Hefner was the life of the party until he wasn't. Seen here in his final moment
After an extended after-party party, party guests said Hugh Hefner, 91, failed to seek medical help when a drug induced erection lasted more than four hours.  He became delirious and started foaming at the mouth.  Party attendees gathered around him as he fell to the floor and began playing in the foam, thinking it was a Playboy Mansion game.
"At the end, he smiled and took one last breath." Former Miss August, Whisper Bang, told OFF THE WALL news. "We were all kneeling around him rubbing the foam around on his chest, when we realized the party was over."
The Mansion doctor was summoned and upon arrival, declared that Hefner had indeed passed away.  It was   then that Miss October broke down and told the medical staff that Hefner had taken a triple dose of Viagra, keeping him erect close to six hours, two hours longer than was medically safe. Doctors agreed, that at his age, it was too much for his heart and brain, which were starved of the blood that had pooled in the penis.
His personal physician sadly told reporters, "It could have been prevented if Hefner had notified me after four hours, leading me to believe Hef's death was self induced, but we'll never know for sure. He seemed to die a happy man and but sadly will no longer be the life of the party."


Friday, September 29, 2017

VOTING OFFICIALS SURPRISED BY FEMALE VOTER LOOKING A LOT LIKE JARED KUSHNER

PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CHIEF ADVISOR AND SON IN LAW,  HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF DRESSING AND VOTING AS A WOMEN, SENDING A SHOCK WAVE THOUGH THE WHITE HOUSE.  TRUMP PROMISES TO GIVE JARED THE "GRAB" TEST, SAYING HE'LL GRAB HIM "DOWN THERE" AND FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON.........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Jared Kushner? (Photo from voting official body cam.)
The woman in black, with long blonde hair bore a striking similarity to Jared Kushner, as she waited in line to vote for a city official on Tuesday.  There were pointing fingers and  low whispers  directed toward the young woman, who kept her head down and let her hair conceal her face.  She moved up, voted and then ran for her waiting limo, losing a high heeled shoe in the process.  Witnesses say they saw Ivanka Trump in the waiting limo and said she did not look happy.
"I know pissed, when I see it!" bystander Lovetta Bang told OFF THE WALL news. "I could swear I heard screams coming out of that car as it took off."
The high heel shoe was recovered and verified as the same size Kushner wears and the brand matchs one that Ivanka sells.
President Trump was as flustered as a father in law could be, when told of the news.  "I wondered about him, when Ivanka brought him home to me."  he told reporters.  "I'll grab him in the, you know."  he winked and then continued.  "I'll grab him down there and see if he screams or hollers. I can always tell who is who!"
OFF THE WALL news is waiting for fingerprints at the voting booth before making any accusations...

Monday, September 25, 2017

EARLY PHOTO OF VICE PRESIDENT PENCE LEAKED TO PRESS

A PICTURE OF MIKE PENCE TAKEN "BACK IN THE DAY" SURFACED SHOWING THE VP LOOKING QUITE MELLOW WITH WHAT POT ADVOCATES CALL A "FAT-BOY"........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Mike Pence 1975 college photo
The quiet, stone faced man with the Mona Lisa like smile, who is often photographed standing behind the President may have a reason for looking stone faced.  He may in fact be stoned! 
A picture of the Vice President, taken before he entered politics was sent to OFF THE WALL news over the weekend, most likely to embarrass Pence. As per OFF THE WALL new's policy against publishing embarrassing pictures, the picture was edited to hide his left hand.
No one knows for sure who sent the picture, though some are speculating  Pence may have leaked it himself. In his college yearbook, the nickname under his graduation picture is "Rocket man".  Last week as Trump used this Elton John song title to describe Kim Jong Un, it may in fact have jarred up old memories in Pence of his college "daze".

Friday, September 22, 2017

TRUMP CHALLENGES KIM JONG UN TO A GAME OF FAMILY FEUD

TRUMP CHALLENGED KIM JONG UN TO A GAME OF CELEBRITY FAMILY FEUD ADMITTING IT MAY NOT GET KIM TO ABANDON NUCLEAR AMBITIONS, BUT THE RATINGS WOULD BE SECOND TO NONE......

HOLLYWOOD, CA.

In what may be a first for a Presidential family, Donald Trump, known for his T.V. reality show Celebrity Apprentice, wants to go for that illusive T.V. Emmy and get Kim Jong Un on the Celebrity Family Feud program.  Ivanka and Donald Jr. will join their father up against Kim Jong Un, his wife, and any uncles Kim may have left. Kim was said to be contemplating the proposal.
Don Jr., Ivanka, Donald, with  host Steve Harvey in rehearsal
"It should be wild and crazy!" Feud host Steve Harvey told OFF THE WALL news. "With questions like, what are the top ten signs of neurosis and favorite things in a grab-bag, we should have a real contest!"
At this printing, HBO, HULU, and AMAZON PRIME are all vying for the rights to air the program, even though Ivanka wants the rights to advertise her line of pricey clothes.
OFF THE WALL news will be there when and if the program actually airs.



Wednesday, September 20, 2017

STILL HOPING TO PASS SOMETHING IN HIS FIRST YEAR, TRUMP ADDS CABBAGE AND BOILED EGGS TO HIS DIET

Trump dreamed of passing something
AFTER A ROUGH EIGHT MONTHS WITHOUT GETTING ANYTHING PASSED, THE PRESIDENT CHANGED HIS DIET, SENDING AIDES AND STAFFERS RUNNING TO OPEN WINDOWS......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump won't say for sure, but leakers close to him are saying Trump began a new eating regiment in the White House.  One leaked story says the White House Chef was summoned to the Oval Office and told to add cooked cabbage and boiled eggs to all meals, including midnight snacks.

It must be working, as those closest to him are looking for ways to opt out on Air Force One when Presidential traveling is necessary.  The only official sticking close to him at all times is Vice President Pence, even though he was seen pulling a small bottle of oxygen around behind him, like someone with emphysema. 

Trump tweeted on Tuesday, "They can't say I can't get things passed!"  Followed up by, "It's just that I miss Ivanka, can't wait to see her again!"  Reports are she will not come into the Oval Office while her father is "passing" his new legislation.

OFF THE WALL news in in contact with the White House Chef and will let readers know when the menu changes again.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

TELEPHONE BATTLE HEATS UP AS CALL FROM KIM JONG UN DURING DINNER HOUR INFURIATES TRUMP

TRUMP TAKES OUT HIS FRUSTRATIONS WITH KIM JONG UN'S CALL BY DOWNING A HALF DOZEN CHEESEBURGERS BEFORE VOWING TO DISTURB THE NORTH KOREAN LEADER'S SLEEP IN A MIDNIGHT CALL....

WASHINGTON D.C.


It started out innocently with the most powerful man in the free world and the "evil" dictator of the North Korean nation playing phone tag. One would call the other and leave a message until it escalated into placing calls at odd hours and inconvenient times.
"Somehow Kim Jong Un found out when I enjoy bowl movements!" Trump complained.  "I don't know who leaked that info, but if I find out, I'll turn them over to Pence and he'll plug the leak!" He was talking of course of Vice President Mike Pence who shook his head and looked ready to follow any orders given him..

Trump downs the forth of six cheeseburgers.
White House insiders told OFF THE WALL news that Trump became so distracted by getting   telephone calls while in the toilet, it caused a bowel blockage, requiring an enema.
Trump received numerous other calls at strange times, but the straw that broke the camel's back came last evening as Trump was trying to unwind just before dinner was served.  He had removed his tie and just as Pence was helping him remove his shoes, the telephone rang.
On the line was a laughing Kim Jong Un, who said in broken English, "So sawwy, did I cawl at bad time?"
Trump slammed the receiver down and in a show of raw emotion devoured his, Pence's, and Ivanka's cheeseburgers, all six in within four minutes.  With his mouth still full he managed to say, "I'll get that little peckerhead! I'll call him back at midnight!"
Hopefully for the world this telephone war won't escalate beyond prank calls.


Friday, September 15, 2017

FLAT EARTH SOCIETY IS GAINING GROUND WITH PRESIDENT

TRUMP WELCOMED MEMBERS OF THE FLAT EARTH SOCIETY TO THE WHITE HOUSE THURSDAY, FOR A CONFERENCE ON DECLARING THE EARTH FLAT AGAIN AFTER  SEEING THE EARTH FROM THE AIR.........

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

The Oval Office was filled with Flat Earth Society members almost thirty minutes before the President made his appearance. They were fed peanuts and offered $.75 soft drinks for a quarter.
First Daughter Ivanka greets Flat Earth Society
To appease the crowd prior to Trump's appearance, First Daughter Ivanka Trump entered the room in a rather snug fitting red dress, that seemed to counter the belief in the room that the earth was flat.  She smiled and greeted the gathering of Trump supporters, who couldn't take their eyes off of her.  "Welcome, Daddy and I are so happy you are here!" she said in a soft and almost seductive voice.  "Daddy has a lot to say about the curvature of the earth."
She then went around the room giving out deflated Patriot footballs that had been signed by the President and Tom Brady.  "See how flat they are." she said smiling, although most attendees were not looking at the footballs.

President Trump then entered the Oval office followed by Vice President Pence who look bewildered.  The crowd, made up of mostly men gave Trump a rousing welcome.
"Hello.  I see you have met Ivanka.  Isn't she something to look at? Sometimes my eyes water."  He then asked her to show Pence out and she and Pence left the room.

The president of the Flat Earth Society then asked Trump to declare the earth flat again, showing him pictures of the earth as a flat pan cake. Trump was very much amazed at their findings. "You know." he said, "I've seen this good Earth from up in Air Force One many times and I have to agree, it looks pretty flat, unlike a certain daughter of mine."  He smiled broadly before continuing. "I'm joking. You know it and I know it. Only Jared knows for sure." he added with a wink, speaking of his son-in-law. "Some say the Earth is round and others like you, say it is flat.  You are both right.  Can we agree on that much?"
There were no replies from any of the attendees and it got strangely quiet in the room.  Trump quickly continued.  "I'm going put together a panel of  experts, led by Michel Bachmann to study this mystery and I'll get back to you."

The group were then led out, each holding on to their souvenir Tom Brady footballs.  OFF THE WALL news will follow this story to the ends of the earth.






Wednesday, September 13, 2017

TRUMP FAMILY PHOTO FOUND IN TRUMP TOWER TRASH DUMPSTER

SCAVENGERS DIGGING THROUGH TRUMP TRASH FIND DISCARDED PICTURE OF A YOUNG DONALD AND IVANKA IN AN INTERESTING SITUATION......

NEW YORK, NY

Donald and Ivanka during a "family" situation.
An old photo of a young Donald Trump and daughter Ivanka as a teen, surfaced last night after scavengers were chased away from the Trump dumpster yesterday afternoon.  Security officers found what appeared to be a family photo album minus most of the pictures, on the ground near the dumpster.
The photo shown here, was obtained by OFF THE WALL news for $10 from a street peddler. In the photo, Donald is being hugged by an eager and possessive Ivanka.
Trump, when asked about it, tried to play down the photo and said he didn't see anything wrong with the picture, "Ivanka had just waken from a bad dream and needed his assurance that she was safe." He made a call to security and had them double the watch outside Ivanka's door, then sat with her until she fell back asleep.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

MAN WHO SHOOTS HIMSELF WITH FUN GUN DIES LAUGHING

INVENTOR OF NEW TYPE OF WEAPON DUBBED THE FUN GUN, DIES LAUGHING WHILE DEMONSTRATING NEW DEVICE......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Boom, seconds before his death
Roger Boom, 28, of Bridgeport got the last laugh Monday as he pulled the trigger of his latest invention called the Fun Gun.
He had told city officials he had devised the perfect weapon,  a weapon that when fired at someone, would make them laugh instead of killing them. It turned out differently however at a demonstration in front of the Sleepy Eye Bar, downtown Bridgeport.  It was there that a small crowd of gawkers assembled to watch Boom shoot himself in the head with his "Fun Gun". 
"It was awful!" One woman said.  "I don't think one person watching laughed.  I kept waiting for the guy to get up, but he never did."

He had told those close to him that he hoped to change their world with the Fun Gun.  As it turned out, it only changed his world in a very subtle way.  Boom had been working on getting people to stop harming each other and said that if we could get people to laugh during a confrontation, it would defuse the rage.   He had hoped to market the new weapon by the holidays, but told OFF THE WALL news, if his experiment failed, he would have the last laugh. 

Boom will be buried Friday next to his older brother Bob, who was killed last year by another of Boom's inventions, the Happy Arrow.  Officials destroyed Boom's Fun Gun so no one else would try it.