Monday, November 20, 2017

TRUMP JR. SHOOTS THANKSGIVING TURKEY BEFORE TRUMP SR. CAN PARDON IT

SAYING HE WAS WITHIN HIS RIGHTS, DON JR. SNUCK UP ON THE ENCLOSURE HOLDING THE NATIONAL THANKSGIVING TURKEY AND SHOT IT BEFORE HIS FATHER COULD GIVE THE TURKEY THE TRADITIONAL PARDON....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

After hearing shots fired early this morning, federal agents surrounded the wild animal enclosure on the White House lawn and were surprised to find Donald Trump Jr. posing with a dead turkey.  "Hey, back off guys!" he yelled. "This gobbler was fair game and trying to get away. I was able to get it before it flew."
"It was fair game!"
When it was explained to Trump Jr. that the bird was to be pardoned by his father later in the day, as part of a traditional Thanksgiving gesture done yearly, Trump Jr. smirked and replied, "Yeah? Well it's too late for this bird.  I'm licensed to hunt and this was fair game. This trophy is mine!"

When the President was notified of the mix-up, he waved his hand and said, "I pardon this turkey posthumously and I'll see to it that it gets to the White House chef.  I'll make sure the bird gets on my table and is eaten.  If people would hunt more, just think how we could cut world hunger.  Donald Jr. is under appreciated and he should be commended for his actions."

White House officials are frantically searching for a replacement turkey for the pardoning ceremony and hopefully Jr. will be too busy to do any more hunting this holiday week.   





Tuesday, November 14, 2017

JUDGE ROY MOORE FIGHTS BACK AGAINST ACCUSATIONS

JUDGE SPEAKS AT A GATHERING OF HIS FAITHFUL SUPPORTERS TO INFORM AND THANK THEM AFTER FIFTH ACCUSER COMES FORWARD......

SWEET HOME, AL.

Tuesday morning found Judge Roy Moore making the rounds and as he called it, "Preaching the Truth!" The truth he was talking about, was his take on the accusations against him of sexual contacts with persons of the tender age of fourteen and now a fifth accuser who was 16 at the time.
"This is that hard thing they felt!"

"I swear I don't remember ever being with that sweet young 14 year old girl, but if I was, she lied about her age," Moore told a small delegation gathered at his campaign headquarters. "And if the latest accuser says I hung around the restaurant she worked in, that also is a blatant lie! The food served there was terrible!" 
As more and more of his fellow Republicans disassociate themselves with his campaign, Moore vows to continue his fight. At his last rally last night, he entertained supporters by showing them his quick draw moves with his silver plated pistol. Holding the gun in the air he shouted, "This is that hard thing those accusers were really feeling. I've kept this in my pocket ever since I was a boy! This is my right under the second amendment!
Moore was then helped off the stage and into a waiting pick-up truck to head to his next self described, "I Wouldn't Lie to You" rally in Birmingham. OFF THE WALL news will be following this story as long as need be.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

DON JR. AND IVANKA ELUDE SECRET SERVICE AND DISAPPEAR IN WHITE HOUSE FOR HALF HOUR

DON JR. AND IVANKA CAUSED THE SECRET SERVICE  TO PANIC WHEN THEY DISAPPEARED AT A WHITE HOUSE GALA LAST WEEK. A PICTURE OF THE COUPLE TAKEN BEFORE THE DISAPPEARANCE CAUGHT JR. AND IVANKA IN A PLAYFUL MOOD......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

As much as they try not to, the Trump family often put themselves on display and into public scrutiny. Last week as the President readied for his trip to Asia, his two oldest children attended a Guns for Fun fund raiser at the White House. 
The mirror was removed from the wall the next day.
The two met with campaign donors and posed for pictures, selling many of them to "Trump Groupies" who were kept in the hallway.  One such picture ended up at OFF THE WALL news headquarters and shows Don Jr. and Ivanka moments before they eluded their Secret Service detachment and disappeared down a dark hallway. 

The two reappeared thirty minutes later, bringing a end to the red alert that had been posted on the White House security radio.  Neither seemed the worse for wear and the incident was forgotten until the picture of the disappearing brother & sister was posted on social media, the next day.  OFF THE WALL news reporters revisited the White House to inquire about the photo and found that the mirror in the picture had been removed from the wall by Presidential order.



Tuesday, November 7, 2017

NUN SUES DRUG COMPANY AFTER BECOMING ADDICTED TO PLACEBO

STRAWBERRY PHARMACEUTICAL CO. IS BEING CHARGED WITH UNLAWFUL DISTRIBUTION OF A PLACEBO AFTER LOCAL NUN BECOMES ADDICTED DURING COMPANY DRUG TRIAL......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Sister Mary Alice Partee, of the Bridgeport Church of the Sacred Secret was back in court yesterday, hoping to call out Strawberry Pharmaceutical for addicting her to Wextinal PMZ, a potent anti laxative drug. Sister Partee was part of a double blind drug test in which she received a three times a day placebo.

Sister Partee, addicted to placebos and looking like Huckabee
In the case, Partee claims she became addicted to the placebo and must take it daily, which increases her weight, causing church parishioners to mistake her for Sara Huckabee Sanders.
Strawberry Pharma denies Partee's claim and says Partee, an admitted laxative addict who uses over the counter laxatives for weight control, continued using over the counter laxatives while taking the Wextinal PMZ placebo.

Lawyers for the plaintiff say Sister Mary Alice has been fighting weight gain since winning a pizza eating contest at age 15.  After entering the convent at age 18, she discovered over the counter laxatives and began secretly using them to help control her weight gains.  Last May she realized one problem had morphed into another and wanted to break the laxative habit. After reading a poster about the double blind anti-laxative test, she volunteered.
As attorneys for Strawberry Pharmaceuticals claimed Sister Mary Alice had been taking the over the counter drugs with the Wextinal PMZ placebo, a scientific research team working for the plaintiff, discovered the placebo's main ingredient was made of pepperoni and sausage pizza, with extra cheese.
The jury was still out as of this writing.

Monday, November 6, 2017

TRUMP CAUGHT MAKING OFF COLORED REMARK DURING HAWAII LAYOVER

AS TRUMP AND THE FIRST LADY ARRIVED IN HONOLULU HE ACCEPTED A FRESH FLOWER LEI WELCOME, TO WHICH HE QUIPPED, "I GET LAID EVERYWHERE I GO!"  THE FIRST LADY WAS LIVID.......

HONOLULU, HI....

First Lady Melania did not like Trump's comment
President Trump thought the microphones were off as he and First Lady Melania disembarked from Air Force One in Hawaii, while beginning his 12 day Asian tour.
Two young Hawaiian women in grass skirts, approached both the President and First Lady with hand made flower leis. 
Trump at first began patting his hair before smiling at the young woman as she put the lei around his neck. Forgetting that he was wearing a microphone, he told her, "I get laid everywhere I go."
His comment came through the ear pieces of his security team as well as that of the First Lady's.

The First Lady's face flushed and became hard as stone as she quickened her pace ahead of the President.
Trump realizing what had happened quickly declared, "Hey wait, I was joking!  Everyone knows I'm a big joker.  I'm a funny guy, ask that TMZ guy that was on the bus, Billy Bush." 

Melania increased her pace, creating more of a distance between the two of them while Trump made another plea.  "Hey Mel, she was a little too Asian looking for me, you know, too foreign looking." 
Trump then began waving at a few negative sign waving greeters at the airport before getting into his waiting limo.

Trump was able to stay out of trouble after that incident until he visited the Pearl Harbor memorial.  As he placed a wreath at the marker over the sunken battleship Arizona, he said to the delegation that accompanied him,  "I bet you could sell a lot of pineapples out here. I'd put up a pineapple stand and sell every tourist some fresh pineapple." 
The statement brought about a hush and Trump boarded his presidential skiff back to shore. "I just wanted to lighten the mood."  he told reporters on the skiff. "I'm the most understood President in history. Be sure and report that."






Friday, November 3, 2017

YAWNING CHAMPION CROWNED AFTER JUDGES FALL ASLEEP

LOCAL MAN YAWNS HIS WAY INTO FIRST PLACE, CAUSING PANEL OF JUDGES TO NOD OFF....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Yawning Judges, Winkin, Blinkin, and Nod
Clare Voyant, 50, of Bridgeport won the National Yawning Championship tonight, causing the competition's three most prestigious judges to fall into what appeared to be a deep slumber.
Voyant had been one of two finalist in the competition and took the stage just after 8 P.M.  He immediately began yawning while showing pictures of his trip to an Iowa petting farm. The pictures showed him yawning while petting various farm animals. At 8:40 P.M. he closed his eyes and yawned  and stretched for six full minutes while Asian string musicians began playing music of the their homeland. Then as the music played, Voyant began showing photos on a huge screen of the 2903 graves in his hometown graveyard. In between yawns, he read the names on the tombstones and the date they died.  By 9:03 P.M. two of the judges were nodding uncontrollably, while the third judge sat chin to chest.

Clare Voyant at home.
Voyant was declared winner  at 10:17 P.M. by the sleepy head judge and everyone filed out of the auditorium.  OFF THE WALL news will be showing a video of the final contest without commercial interruption, on Sunday.